3:19 PM

Guess where I am.  Yup, still in the office.  I know it's really irresponsible of me to do my blogging here during work hours, but I can't help it.  My sister keeps hogging the PC back home that I sort of think I need a laptop or something.  Anyway, things have been going decently around here.  The marketing people are absolutely funny.  I think they might all be as crazy as me. 

Well, our director's on leave, and I am left at the mercy of my kind but vastly incompetent manager.  In case you're wondering, I am typing this while looking behind my shoulder.  People, I can type with my eyes closed.  Back to the manager.  He's nice, yeah, but he knows absolutely nothing.  He doesn't even know how to make a report! 

Now don't think I'm an intellectual snob, because I'm not.  I'm a snob period.  But that's beside the point.  The director asked me to help him out, and I try to, because I feel bad about him.  But then he isn't willing to learn!  I tell him something and he's like, yeah yeah, i know.  Well he can go dig his own grave now for all I care.  I've been trying to play the good guy here, and that's what he does??? 

It just scares me that maybe this superior complex that I'm harboring can actually back fire.  What if the director still prefers his output?  Can't do anythng about that can we now?  *Sigh*  Will just have to live with whatever happens I guess.

7:13 PM

Been eons since I last blogged right?  Things have been going pretty well these past few days, with occasional trouble from time to time, but nothing I can't handle.  Work is great, and I'm loving every minute of it...especially since "work" will take me back to Hong Kong in a month's time.  Plus, my boss is considering my suggestion to establish the office in Hong Kong instead of Shanghai.

Why HK you say?  Because I have family there.  My cousins are there, and it's closer to the Philippines.  Despite all the crap in this country, everything I love is here, and it's really difficult to leave behind.  Plus, I have a lot of friends in HK (right Janet and all you other HK peeps?) who can keep me company when I'm stuck there all alone.  Besides, i've already made it clear several times that I really love Hong Kong.  We're considering Shatin as our station, and guess who that reminds me of?

Not Prince, silly.  Janet and I met a cute cop there in the Shatin Mall.  He is absolutely adorable, and he actually resembles Feng De Lun, the actor.  Can't seem to remember Feng's English name, but he's the guy who played one of the undercover cops in Gen X Cops 1( He was also in the 2nd movie FYI).  Think I can see him again?  lol

Speaking of Prince I am absolutely over that guy.  Ha!  Nothing a month can't handle lol.  I've never really been serious about crushes and stuff.  I don't think I've ever fallen in love at all.  Which makes me wonder sometimes... am I missing anything? 

YES.  I'm missing out on all the jealousy and petty quarrels and crying sessions and cool-offs and break-ups.  Not really stuff I'd like to get messed up with you know?  My sociology professor once told me that what you think can actually come true if you brainwash yourself into believing it.  Sounds weird, i know, but it makes sense. 

Suppose, like in my case, you believe that falling in love can only disrupt your happy single life, because love leads to hurt eventually.  According to my professor's theory, you'd start repeating that mantra in your head, and eventually, it'll play out of your subconsious the moment you actually get into a relationship.  Then, if all things go according to your belief, you can gloat and say, "See?" 

Part of this fear of falling in love is falling in love with the wrong person.  I'm a perfectionist, and obsessive-compulsive to boot.  Plus, the Chinese here in this country are staunch conservatives (not political, but social).  If you're a good girl (or guy for that matter), you only get one boy/girlfriend and you marry that person.  If you have a string of relationships behind you, your partner's parents will take that as a sign of (gasp!) promiscuity.

Plus, I've always been afraid of disappointing my parents, who have high standards.  Be it grades or my job, it's always their opinion that matters to me.  Sometimes I find it unfair that my sisters don't have to live up to that standard (I'm eldest) and it's really a big pressure on me.  Even with finding the right guy, it's some sort of competition with cousins and other relatives who might have a rich or nice or smart or simply spectacular partner. 

Now I admit it.  The reason I don't want to fall in love is that I'm afraid of loving the wrong person.  Yes that's true.  I'd rather keep myself from loving anybody than having to endure my parents' disapproval later on.  See, I even made a vow that I would immediately break up with any guy that my parents dislike, regardless of their reason. 

Love comes second for me.  Now everybody understands perfectly right?  It really is a huge "mao bing" (illness?) on my part.  But I can't see anyone to change that point of view any time soon.

So I still say no to love ... lol

7:35 PM

What do you do when love isn't enough?  I never really thought it would be a big deal you know.  You just leave when it's all over, and bask in the aftermath of breaking up.  That, I thought, was the best course to end a relationship.  Not third parties, no, but losing sight of what made you fall in love in the first place. 

But now I know it's not that easy.  You can't just say goodbye, especially when love is still there.  It's just that, love has faded.  What becomes of love when the initial burst of longing is gone?  It fades.  It weakens.  From a burning flame, all that's left of it are the dying embers.  It's over.

That's where it all becomes difficult.  You still love the person, but it's no longer the love that you used to have.  The driving force to stay with the other person is gone. You can pretend that everything's still the same, that nothing's changed.  But a the first sign of difficulty, everything comes crumbling down. 

You know deep inside that you still love the person, but it isn't enough anymore.  All that's left of passion is it's empty shell, and that won't be enough to carry you through.  Gone is the force that pushes you to stay with your loved one through thick and thin.  Gone is the soul that moves you to love and care beyond all logical reasons.  It's over. 

So what do you do?  There's a good question.  Do you risk destroying the person you love, especially at a time as crucial as this?  Will you leave him weak and helpless because -- unfortunately -- love is gone? 

>> Don't worry, it's not my story.  My friends (who happen to be romantically linked to each other) are on the brink of breaking up.  The guy is undergoing a major case of depression (due to a botched operation) and won't leave the house at all.  His girlfriend is, understandably, getting tired of having to play the role of a good partner.  But isn't that what love really is all about?  Being together in the midst of good and bad times?  You can't expect everything to go smoothly all the time.  It's a test, and I guess somebody won't pass. 

These are the exact friends of mine who keep asking me why I don't want to fall in love.  Now I say to them, ask me again. 

6:59 AM

Yes, it's this early.  Weird as it seems, I start working in the office at 6:30 AM.  Sleepy? Of course.  But I can deal with it.  Besides, I have this really cool work cubicle where the sunlight shines directly on me.  It's a known scientific fact that absorbing sunlight is one way for people to recharge.  So I don't mean getting burned to a crisp in 40 degrees Shanghai.  I mean having enough of the sun makes you happier, healthier and ... and... I don't know , a better employee? lol.  If it did, I wouldn't be doing my blogging here haha.

Anyway, it's pretty cool around here, with people from the telemarketing area screaming every few seconds.  They really are a pretty excited bunch, with all the screaming and pep talking and rallying.  I don't think I'd be a great telemarketer.  I just can't fake enthusiasm.  Normally, I am decent enough to talk to, although I really resent chitchatting with people who are passing acquaintances.  In this office of around 700 employees, I know a maximum of 5, and I have yet to talk to the rest of the crowd.

Suffice it to say that I'm playing outcast again.  Not that I resent it though.  I'm really happy just being alone.  Anyway, I don't think I'll be joining the trip to China next week, because my manager is.  That's great news, too, because I'd want to celebrate my birthday here with my family and friends.

Speaking of friends, I was almost ballistic yesterday, trying to reach one of my friends.  Nobody's seen her in the last few days, and her boyfriend's been bugging me to look for her.  Well I tried, but I just couldn't find her.  She isn't even answering her cellphone.  I'm worried that something might have happened to her, but I'm hoping that she's okay and just MIA for now.  I'll look for her again today.

Pray for her!

9:05 PM

It's been several days since I last blogged, and it's for a lot of reasons.  Anyway, I was on the edge for the past few days.  My former employer refused to let me go, although they actually have no right over me.  We didn't sign any contract at all, and I was on probation.  No contract, no nothing, okay?

So they have nothing on me.  But still, the constant nagging of my conscience was keeping my stomach churning these past few days.  Which is weird, really, because there's nothing wrong about leaving a company right?  Especially if they've been really nasty to you.  Anyway, I do miss the friends I made there, and it feels a little weird without them (I've grown used to seeing them) but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!

Today is actually my first day on the job, as a marketing officer.  Spent the entire day looking and contacting suppliers, then I had to look for suitable hotels for the boss's ocular inspection of Hong Kong and GZhou (plus Shenzhen).  I might have to go with them, and on my birthday to boot! But nothing's sure yet.

It was not COOL, I repeat, NOT COOL to walk into an office full of people you don't know.  But I wasn't on friendly mode either.  I just stuck to my end of the office.  Ah....but no peace and quiet.  Anyway, things did get my competitive edge started, because now I want to take over my superior's job. He has a nice office!  hahaa.  Gotta rest now.

By the way... I might go to Guangzhou, too, so guess who it reminds me of?  Ten points if you said Prince,  lol.